Friday, October 26, 2012

I Looked My Gift Horse In The Mouth

I suppose it’s no big secret that I LOVE to write. I have for a long, long time. I remember the first thing I ever wrote (of any sort of significance). The Lord woke me up in the middle of the night with it. It ended up being some sort of dramatic monologue. When I was 19 I wrote an ewwy- gooey christian romance novel. Every spare minute I had was devoted to that thing. To tell the truth I am terrified to go back and read it now, there are many ways I can think of that I do not want to die... embarrassment is close to the top of that list. In my early twenties I worked as a receptionist at my church. One of my duties was to create and write in our church newsletter. I rushed through ALL other tasks and spent about 90% of my time on this one. (shhh, don’t tell my boss, aka dad)

Nobody is paying me to write any more and I learned my lesson with the first book, I am NOT a novelist. This blog has become my outlet now. As much as I enjoy the writing, and now here is my very ugly admission, I also love the comments, the “likes” on facebook, and people telling me in person how much they enjoyed reading a post. 

I found out earlier today that my comments have not been working for a few days and I was so bummed! I tried to figure out what was wrong, asked my husband to comment (ahem, from work), to see if I had fixed it. I tried to retrieve old comments I had missed. I was like a crazy lady searching for the answers to life’s most meaningful questions. 

After I gave up and installed a new commenting format, which makes it look like I have never had a single comment ever, which makes me really annoyed, I went blog hopping. I visited one I have not been to in awhile but really enjoy. (Here’s a link to it: In The Trenches) One of the writers posted this "I am praying that I would honor... my (heavenly) DAD by doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in everything consider others better than my self.” (Philippians 2:3)

Ugh, I didn’t want to see this! But I realized I had completely lost focus somewhere along the way. I usually hear God best through writing - and blogging is a great way for me to learn. This is what I told my Aunt Becky recently, “apparently He (God) knows how much I love to hear myself talk that He realizes the only way I will learn anything is through hearing myself say it.” That’s about the truth! Strangely I can hardly ever just sit down and start typing UNLESS God gives me something to say. You would think this alone would be a huge tip off. That it would move me towards humility and I would not seek my own glory. For what? Quite obviously I have nothing to say on my own. I have not even been blessed with the eloquence of most lovers of journaling. God has given me the privilege of being able to throw some random words together in a way that makes sense to me (and often times me alone) so that I can learn a thing or two. He has taught me to see Him in everyday events around me because I am horrible at looking for Him myself. And, I believe, God has used technology to keep me accountable to what He has revealed to me. I cannot deny it when I have put it out there for all to see. 

I do want everything I do to be done for the right reason, to put others first and, most importantly, to please God in all I do. I just haven’t quite learned how to keep myself out of the way. The only place I know to start is to meditate on scripture and keep humble prayers always on my lips. Prayers of thanksgiving - to a gracious Father - that will pursue me using any means by which He can get through, prayers to keep my focus in the right place, but also prayers for somebody other than me.  

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