Tuesday, December 25, 2012

My Christmas Ev-il

Christmas Eve - a day many set aside for tradition, family, maybe some last minute shopping. Often a day to stay home and not go into work. The smells of holiday baking waft through the house, Christmas music echos in the background. 

Mine involved family, the kind I am slightly embarrassed to claim as my own at the moment. My husband did go into work... until my frantic texts brought him back home. The only smells wafting through the house were those of sewage, and Christmas music was replaced with sounds of flushing, plunging, and a good christian lady's version of cussing. 

Let me back up and fill you in a little better... Cause I know you are dying to hear all about it. Jarrod woke up Christmas eve morning and went to work. Before he left the toilet was being a bit rebellious but I wanted him gone so he could hurry up and get back home to us. So I assured him I had it under control (I've plunged a few toilets in my time) and sent him on his way. By the time I saw him off and made it back to the bathroom it looked like the commode was going to fix itself. I decided to take a shower and then give it one more good flush. I kid you not, in the time it took me to take my shower and get dressed for the day, all four of my children took care of their business - the number 2 kind. Since mommy was in the shower and my kids don't like it when I am grumpy, they did not flush. One bathroom, 4 children. You can imagine what it looked like when I went to check out the bowl and give it a flush. Being the optimistic person that I am I said my prayers and and pulled the handle. Gravity was not on my side. I did all the right things. Turned off the water, plunged, a few other disgusting details I will spare you... you're welcome. Gravity and I continued our disagreement. Turns out that even after the water has been turned off the toilet bowl will still fill up with water when flushed. Either that or gravity got in one last jab at me and then laughed it's head off at my expense. 

My children's waste, that had still been in the bowl was now on my bathroom floor. Isaiah had just come to the bathroom door and I sent him outside to tell his brother and sisters that the toilet was not working and they could not use it. I asked him to stay outside for awhile and tell the other kids to do the same. 

Wouldn't you know it, gravity and I must have made up because everything was down hill from there. I had NO drain-o in the house and Christmas Eve, at the grocery store, with 4 kids sounded like as much fun as mopping my poopy bathroom floor. There was only one obvious solution... pinterest. I checked for homemade drain-o recipes, found ONE and it worked about as well as the rest of the pinterest projects I've taken on. A dream in the pictures they post... a nightmare in my real life world. Now I had poop, baking soda and vinegar on the bathroom floor. The good news was that my house now smelled like sewage and vinegar. 

I texted Jarrod, "all I want for Christmas is some drain-o. Call when you can." He called, I filled him in and he told me where the snake was and gave me the readers digest version of how to use it. He told he'd come home as soon as possible but had a few things to finish up first. I would have loved to wait on him, but remember the four kids I told you about at the beginning of the story? I didn't think being bathroomless for another hour was an option. I mean what were the kids suppose to do, go outside? Well yes, apparently they thought that was a viable option. During one of my panicked runs to the kitchen for more cleaning towels I saw the van door close. I asked Isaiah, who kept magically appearing whenever I needed interference run with the kids, what Elyse was doing in the van. "Getting kleenex," he said. I, like an idiot, asked why. "To wipe." He said, his tone seeming to fully acknowledge the stupidity of my question. She had gone potty outside by a tree. As had her little brother. (It turns out it was all thanks to miscommunication on Isaiah's part - I decided to buy that answer and not ask more questions. I am still pleased with my decision.)

So... I snaked the toilet, in order to avoid more public nudity on our lawn. As I stood, in my pajamas, make up less, wearing a stylish neck brace, let's not forget, surrounded by filth and soiled towels and up to my elbows in... well... crap, I glanced over to find my neighbor and new friend standing in my bathroom doorway with her daughter. I might mention, Amy, this new friend of mine is drop dead gorgeous, always. And just kind of seems to have it all together, always! She had brought Christmas cookies (because she HAD spent the day baking - with family, her husband home, and I am not sure because I did not ask, but I am guessing Christmas music serenaded her lovely Christmas scene at home) Isaiah, who had clearly ganged up with gravity in a plot to ruin my day had sent her on inside.  

When it was all said and done - I had washed up and graciously accepted the cookies and laughed off our little Christmas Eve disaster with Amy. I gave the kids a lecture on always checking with mommy before pulling their pants down outside no matter what a sibling has convinced them of. And before Jarrod could make it home I had successfully snaked and unblocked the toilet. I am not sure if the reality show Survivor is still on the air, but if it is I am totally sending in an audition tape because I think I could win it all... I mean, come on, I snaked the toilet all by myself! 

And though I felt a bit frumpy when Amy showed up yesterday, today I picture myself looking a bit like Lara Croft... because I totally snaked the toilet... by myself! 

And Christmas Ev-il became Christmas Ev-en on my worst day I am awesome! 

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